Stepping back a bit

Please excuse me if I seem a bit absent from Mamavation lately. All the talk about fit pregnancies and cravings and symptoms and so forth in the hashtag has really become my own personal Circle Of Hell. It's not anyone's fault, it's just where I am right now in my grieving process. Carry on.

Timeout for Labor Day Weekend

Sorry girls, just stopping in briefly to post (I don't want to get called out! ;) We're out spending the weekend with the family. I will continue the journey next week, until then, have a wonderful short week! I'll be enjoying the wonderfully cooler weather and trying to stay out of the path of the raging wildfires.

My Journey Through Infertility So Far: Part 1 of Whoknowshowmany

The facts of the case:

I have always wanted to be a mother. I expected to be a mother. I was one of those girls that had baby dolls into my preteen years. I have always looked forward to having children, and to being pregnant in particular.

When my husband and I got married, we were 30 years old. Plenty of time, we told ourselves, and we were in no hurry. About 2 years ago we decided it was time for me to get my IUD removed. We were 33 at the time. We weren't "actively" trying to the point where I was tracking ovulation, scheduling sex, blah blah blah, we just weren't using any birth control anymore. I honestly expected to be pregnant within months.

I wasn't. About a year went by, and I started to research infertility issues. The more I read, the more I was certain that I had PCOS. And my doctors had never mentioned it over the years, the bitches. The only symptom I *don't* have is irregular periods. So with the tentative diagnosis, I've started making changes to hopefully boost our chances of conceiving.

The diet was the first to change, for both myself and my husband. We cut way back on the sugars, processed foods, and 'white' foods. I have blood work scheduled to see how bad the insulin resistance is, as well as what other hormone imbalances there may be, so I don't have any medications yet.

So, here I am now, 35 years old, officially 'advanced maternal age'. And still not pregnant. The clock is ticking louder and louder, and every month that goes by is more painful than the last. We have not had the big 'what do we do now' conversation, so we haven't seriously discussed any medical interventions like IVF, or other options like surrogacy or adoption yet. When the blood work and ultrasounds are in, then we'll know more what we're dealing with.

In the meantime, I have tried very hard to keep our intimate relationship healthy. I don't ever want my husband to feel like he's just a means to an end. We have sex because we love each other, and because we want to, not for the sole purpose of baby making. Exploring intimacy is a healthy part of any relationship, if only to keep things new and fresh. For me personally, I have always been rather shy about sex, and so my husband recognizes that when I am open and free with him in bed, it is really a demonstration of the trust I have in him.

This post is sponsored by Eden Fantasys and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway hosted by Mamavation.

In which I cry and curse and share TMI

The first week of the month has become a dreaded one for me. Because for the past 2+ years that I've been off birth control, the first week of the month has brought the news that I am, once again, not pregnant. (I have a 31 day cycle instead of a 28 day one, so my period stays pretty much in the same place on the calendar every month)

It seems like literally everyone surrounding me is pregnant or just had a baby. I've been to so many baby showers in the last 6 months it's ridiculous. So many babies. WHERE THE HELL IS MINE?!??

I turned 35 in May. I know I'm running out of time. The metaphorical clock is ticking.

I've always wanted to be a mother. I (humbly) think I'd be pretty good at it. I know Anthony would be a good dad. Plus, he's an only child (and a III, so EVEN MORE pressure to carry on the name). And I'm letting him down every month. He would never say so, and he's been more than supportive, but I know....

I guess it's time to start looking at possible fertility treatments and/or adoption.

What I'm Working on This Week

Taken from The Still Space -

"You do so very much for everyone else. Here, give yourself the gift of a moment in time just for you. What do you want from your life? What do you long for?

For as you answer these questions you find your center—the core of who you are and how you live your life as an expression of the things you hold dear. Your own secret garden.

When you find your center your life becomes simpler. Once you discover the values that rest in the still space within you, your choices, your actions become clearer because they are aligned with who we are at our core, who we were created to be.

We feel pulled in so many directions—We should have a cleaner house. We should be feeding our kids organic everything all the time. We should be able to juggle family, the home, a career, and our own personal fulfillment—that it can be damn near impossible to figure out what it is that we really want—what desires come from deep within us, and which have been planed there like weeds by someone else.

But it’s your garden. You get to decide what you find meaningful, what hopes and dreams you’ve planted there. And you get to decide how to build the foundation of your life from within this garden.

When you know what’s most important to you, what it is that you hold most dear to your heart, not only will you be able to recognize when you’re veering off course away from your center, you’ll also be able to find your way back.

There is a still space within each of us. A small, silent place where we feel grounded and sure. A place that we can return to again and again, at any time, that will comfort and hold us. And as we grow to trust the guidance that comes to us strong and clear from this place, we begin to build a life that is a reflection of who we truly are and what we most cherish.

***

Before we can nurture the seeds you find most meaningful, we first need to take a look at the weeds. But we don’t want to rip them out blindly, they have lessons to teach us before they go. Looking at the places in our lives where we feel frustrated and out of alignment can give us great insight in to what we long for. If we’re frustrated by it, we must care about it—and the greater our frustration, the greater our desire.

So get yourself a pen and paper (Yup, a pen. The computer feels too much like school. A pen will allow you to discover things you didn’t know you knew.) and answer these questions. Try not to censor yourself. Write whatever comes. You’re not being graded. No one will judge you. You don’t have to show this to anyone. Allow yourself time for your voice to flow freely.

-Where in your life do you feel out of alignment—that things aren’t quite right and you’re not showing up as the mother/creator/spirit you want to be? What’s not working for you?

-What does this feel like in your body? Where do you feel these sensations? How do you know you’re not on the right track?

-What are you really trying to accomplish? What’s the underlying positive yearning? Those things that we resist are often the things that are the most important to us."

I've lost the still space inside myself. I need to find it again.

In which I mourn a loss and rebel against losing

So this spring has been brutally busy. Going back to school was a far bigger challenge than I was expecting. I'm nearly finished with the spring semester, but summer session starts a week later, so no rest for the wicked. I'm really looking forward to Fitcation at the beginning of June, if only for a few days off of schoolwork.

As some of you may have seen on twitter, I also lost a very good friend last month. I've known her since I was 15 years old, we went to high school and college together and were in each others weddings. She had been ill for the last couple of years, but never let on to anyone how serious the situation was. Her death was completely unexpected to everyone (except her husband and family).

No one knows for certain since her family chose to not do an autopsy, but it's pretty likely that my friend died as a direct result of weight loss surgery. She had the stomach stapling surgery about 8 years ago or so, and then had the more drastic form where they remove most of your stomach about 5 years ago (she never told anyone other than her family about the second surgery). Because she lost most of her ability to absorb nutrients as a result, she basically slowly starved until her organs shut down. The part that makes me furious is that she did not need the second surgery AT ALL. She was down to about a size 12 after the first surgery, was healthy, and looked great.

I can only surmise that weight issues and insecurity killed my friend. I've been really rebelling against my diet and fitness since then. I've got to find the happy medium in my mind between just eating whatever the hell I want and the forced starvation that she endured. I will find it again soon I hope.

In Which I Begin a Dreaded Conversation - March 7, 2011

So I'm about to be 35. And I'm still childless. My husband and I have not been actively trying to conceive yet, meaning we haven't been scheduling when to have sex, etc, but I had my IUD out nearly 2 years ago, and still nothing.  So in the last few weeks, I've begun to have the dreaded conversation with myself. Infertility.

So, my next steps are pretty clear.  I've got an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist for a full workup to see what the issues might be, and what can be done about them. NOT excited about this.

But, I'll do it, and I'll get through it. Even though it sucks.